YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I’VE BEEN EDITING THIS SITE!!

WordPress is very powerful but there’s too many choices for things to the point where I get overwhelmed. Plus, it’s so difficult to find an undo button anywhere. I’ve had this site for a few years but haven’t been active on it in ages, mainly because of the reasons described above and I’ve simply been busier than ever. This was something I started back in college, when I had way more free time and wasn’t fully adulting yet. Now having graduated over two years ago, I think I have far more material now to go off of.

I use Christmas as a time of reflection (really it’s because everywhere else is closed and I can’t go anywhere). The past couple years have by far been the most fruitful and challenging yet. I think by sharing some of these moments with you, it can give you a greater sense of who I am now and perhaps you could relate to a degree. I’ll start by saying living on your own is rough at times. I have learned more about the world around me now than I ever did in school and while I don’t regret many of my decisions, I do wish I paid more attention in that Business and Audio class junior year (health insurance is expensive). It basically was about how to manage your health, whether financial, mental or physical, upon graduating. Every bachelor degree is different in its own way, but I think Audio Engineering Technology is in a category by itself. Now, this is just my experience so it might be different for you, but please indulge…

I perused this path because it felt right to me. I loved djing in high school and was fascinated by what it took for a show to come together. My thought process was by understanding the science of music, the creative side would shine through faster. I believe this has come to fruition for me, but ultimately I’ve learned it’s tough to sustain, especially in a world that doesn’t value the arts like music as much. Any form of self expression takes great risk. You might be vulnerable and challenge societal norms which can make others feel uncomfortable. The saying, “Ignorance is bliss.” rings true here. Why take the risk if you don’t have to?

This ideology is why I don’t think many people pursue their artistic dreams as a career and why it’s not very respected. For example, I had so much trouble finding a job senior year that I couldn’t be fully present during graduation. It didn’t matter to me because I didn’t have anything lined up after. During that summer, I would travel back and forth from Nashville doing job interviews or walking into recording studios, handing out business cards. On top of this, these jobs can be physically demanding. Between setting up microphones or climbing ladders, you’re almost always doing more than just pushing faders behind a console. Having a mild disability like cerebral palsy makes doing these things tough as it is, but especially if you have to do it day in and day out. The general path for an engineer I heard in school was you’d work in the warehouse for a bit before they’d send you out to tour. But the warehouse also posed the same physical limitations for me. A lot of the interviews ended up sounding like, “You’re great on paper and you have lots of potential, but we can’t think of a way to implement you right now.”

That was annoying. Really annoying. I checked all their boxes theoretically expect one, which wasn’t really emphasized at school. I’ll never forget this one week when I came home and drove to this tiny gravel lot. I turned the car off and immediately started crying. This was an ugly cry, filled with a lot of anger. Angry at the fact this felt like something I couldn’t change. Angry that I felt like me trying wasn’t enough. Angry that I felt I let my family and friends down, more importantly, myself. The limit was pushed and I felt like I was below the lowest. Sometimes, I need these moments (as much as I don’t want them) to help change perspective or open another door I originally thought didn’t exist. I’m extremely stubborn and this was God’s way of getting through to me. I didn’t like it but had to respect it. Later that day, I texted a recruiter whose info I got at a career fair and explained how I found a place to live in Nashville, I just needed a job soon to keep it. They vouched for me and I can’t thank them enough.

I’ve been there for for over two years now. I was excited at first but like most jobs, it gets boring every now and then. Throughout school, I always worried about obtaining work. I finally got what I wanted but it still doesn’t solve everything. I don’t dread it but don’t love it either. Many times, I feel lost (even while I’m writing this). But then I remember the Prayer for Serenity. To have Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. The Wisdom part is tricky for me but I think I find it in places I don’t expect. I don’t like working all the time, but it gives me the money to stay in town and try hobbies I’ve never done. People around me growing up always said to enjoy being in school, because of the freedom that comes with it. However, I now think I have more free time than ever thanks to no night classes or essays being due. I can put more time and effort into myself now. I could never do dancing or standup during school, but I can now. I’ve grown a lot from these things, which I’ll elaborate on in future posts.

I still feel stuck often, so just know you’re not alone. Writing this has made me reflect on things I wouldn’t have otherwise. If you strive for something, you will eventually receive it, it just may not be what or how you thought. Thanks for taking time to read this; it helps me just as much! I hope to document more on here to help keep me in check and in tune with what’s happening around me. Things might not be perfect in my eyes right now but I can feel they’re on the right track. After all…

IT’S ONLY THE BEGINNING.